


Falling In Love Is Easy, Dealing With It Isn't

by Tomhollandsfandom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:14:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23332207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tomhollandsfandom/pseuds/Tomhollandsfandom
Summary: Cas can see Sam is struggling with his worth and decides to express his feelings with a poem.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	Falling In Love Is Easy, Dealing With It Isn't

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really happy to finally share this, I've been working on this for a while, I kept getting stuck but today I finished it. I hope you enjoy the story!

Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. 

The constant ticking of the clock was usually soothing as it was a constant, now it served as a frustrating distraction. With a flick of my wrist, it broke. No one cared for it anyway. 

Rubbing my face through the disappointment of this morning didn't help as I wondered why words were absent from my mind. Every language in the world seemed to be extracted from my mind. Enochian included. 

This needed to be addressed, the sorrow in his eyes, the obvious comparison to others and ridiculous belief he isn't enough, I hated seeing it. If one of us didn't hold up to the other it was me, I am not enough, Sam is well worth more than I ever will be. 

Being this distracted almost made me miss the soft footsteps that were Jack joining me. 

He came behind me with a hug, and I could tell he was expecting one from both Sam and me. 

"Hey, Father. Where's Dad?" It was unusual for Sam and me to be separated since we've confessed our feelings for each other. Something that didn't come to my attention until I realized how much I currently missed him. 

I patted Jack's arm, looked at him and set my pen, paper aside. "He's on a beer run. At least that's what he told Dean, I believe he's also getting some vegetables since your recent intake on candy has increased. Did Dean sneak you that candy?" I asked pointing to where he attempted to hide a bag of nougat. The flush on his face told me enough. I'll let Sam deal with Dean. 

"No... So what are you doing?" Whether or not he's biologically mine, he lies terribly like me. 

I handed him the rough drafts I had started but couldn't finish. None of them felt true, no matter how beautiful they sounded. "Poetry. From sonnets, odes, lyric, free verse, rhymed, to ballads. None of them are what I want." I sighed and looked at the mess surrounding me. Why was this task so difficult?

"I don't understand, they're well written. What's the problem?" 

"That's the problem. They're all well written but meaningless. They don't capture how I really feel about Sam. No fourteen lines with ten syllables in each line are going to get all my emotions for him." Defeated and slumped in my chair, I wanted to cry. The only thing that kept my head up was the hand the was hiding my face. Why is this so difficult? 

Jack was staring at me before he sat down next to me. "Then don't." 

I looked up surprised, "Don't what?" He gestured to the poetry. 

"Don't write a sonnet or a ballad, write from the heart. Isn't that what it's about? Not the form but the meaning?" He asked hands on the table, I nodded. Have I gone about this all wrong?

"Thank you, Jack. I think I got an idea." The pen I grew a hatred for as well as the paper, I apologized as I began to write. 

My frustrations dissipated as the words filled my paper. I would describe it as talking rather than writing, I did mutter through parts where I became beat until I changed tactics. 

Hours flew by as I wrote and rewrote this poem, it was vulnerable. Perhaps it didn't have the imagery or repetitive nature as the others before; however, the honesty it held outdid any flow from the other poems before. 

In the end, at the last line, I stared. I've changed it twenty times already. I wasn't sure if it was my attempt at procrastination or if I simply didn't like it. 

Sam had checked in with me when he got back hours ago, I begged him to not look quite yet. He's managed to keep to his promise even though I've seen him pop in to see if I had finished. 

This is why it was no surprise to me he's attempting to stroll past me in a casual manner but is failing miserably. 

"Love?" I called out and he stopped his "stroll" and was acting as if he wasn't excited that I was finally calling out to him. He's adorable. 

He held onto the back of my chair, towering over and his eyes scanned the perimeter before focusing on me. "Yes?" I motioned for him to come closer. 

When he did I plopped him down on my lap. Often it's the other way around, but I enjoy this way more than the other. 

I smiled at the bounce of his hair, and the fact that he immediately embraced me into a hug which turned into a kiss. 

There was an unspoken "I love you" that we held onto for a moment, it took me a moment to remember I had a surprise for him. 

"Normally, I have no problem telling you how I feel. I don't know why this is different, but it is. I have a poem for you to read. I would like it if you could read it out loud. If you don't want to, that's understandable." I brushed Sam's hair out of his face as he nodded. It was difficult for me to reach over to the table and hand it to him, there was a built-up fear that I needed to push away. 

Sam got a bit more comfortable on my lap and gave me a quick reassuring kiss before beginning, 

"You deserve more than a sonnet  
Or a loose free verse poem.  
What I wish to bestow is theatrical,  
To draw you with beautiful imagery,  
Reel in emotions by deeper meanings,  
Use a repetitive language as proof,  
Whether it's synonyms, antonyms, metaphors, or similies."

I saw his amusement at this is what I considered to be theatrical, and it was. I set my head into the crook of his shoulder. He continued on,

"Ignorance is to believe it would mean anything.  
That I can pour my heart out in fourteen lines,  
Perhaps about nature or humanity...  
Not you, not when I want to tell you everything and more.   
It would take me millenniums upon millenniums to perfect it.  
And even then I wouldn’t be satisfied,  
No rhyme scheme can help show how devoted I’ve become to you."

There was a slight shake to his hands. I could see he was trying to remain neutral but his facade was breaking with emotion. He had to clear his throat to continue. I closed my eyes and focused on his silky voice. 

"Rhymed poetry or an ode,  
A tune of a ballad or one of a lyrical poem,  
How much more delightful my words would be,  
Praising you in rhymes and lines of fours,  
But it would deprive you of the trueness of my words.  
Beneath the soft-sounding words,  
The layers of beauty woven through imagery,"

I couldn't help but think Sam reading this made it sound beautiful, it was his voice and tone that made that so. I wanted to tell him that but I didn't. If I did he wouldn't finish reading the poem. Instead, I ignored the shaking emotion that was reeling off of him and focused on the words. 

"Love is a mere word without meaning.  
Trust, kindness, integrity, wisdom, patience,  
These are what I’ve come to associate with you.  
Love is an empty word to me,  
Simply because it doesn’t describe anything,  
I know I’ve fallen for you, my broken wings are proof enough,  
Yet, the word love isn’t enough."

I could read the guilt that was rising and brought him closer to my chest, shushing away some of it away. I wanted to do more but knew to remain put. If I opened my eyes I would've lost control and kissed away his guilt, I closed them tighter. 

"How does it describe the ease in my heart with you,  
Or the tender moments that fleet faster than the light of speed,  
The gentle kisses that I cherish more than air?  
My wishes of peace for you go beyond our physical beings,  
Existing is overwhelming with you,  
The thought of the sun rising without you,  
Words don’t belong to the anguish I feel."

His voice and breath were shaky and hesitant as he spoke. It pained me to be the one who made him feel that way, I had to remember it's not hurting him, it's overwhelming him. He needs to hear these words, he needs to see his worth. 

"Dreadful days are imminent and groundless.  
Death has no hold on me, merely the empty does.  
Fear is an abandoned promise no one can hold against me,  
Yet, here I weep from it at the thought of Death coming for you.  
god is cruel to create such a being and make them human,  
Simply another shameful act of his he couldn’t part within his rewrites.  
his death and executor will be celebrated, praised, his wrongdoings won't be forgiven."

He let out an empty, hollow laugh at the mention of my father. I knew he didn't believe many of those lines but wouldn't invalidate them knowing they feel honest and true to me. 

"Endlessly, I am grateful that you humor me.  
Claim to love me as I do you, and more than I can know,  
How you’ve come to forgive my multitudinous strings of mistakes and grievances,  
Understanding will never come, not as it came to love you.  
It’s troubling how much you swear upon god that you’re a stain to his creation,  
Blind to see you’re a saint, and he is the hindrance to his work,  
The only prayer I’ve sent to him is thanks for leading me to you."

He reached for my hand, and I nearly broke and swept him up into another hug at the feel of his hands shaking in my own. The emotion that was rolling off of him was drowning me into a stream of strange guilt. Seven more lines. I can comfort him after the last seven lines.

"I hope you listen, my partner, my love, my human, my Sam.  
As I’ve cried to you before, nothing is worth losing you,  
Everything is worth sacrificing to keep you here with or without me.  
I’ve been lost since I was created, I would still be if it weren’t for the pain,  
I was lost until I took on your pain, it isn’t just a claim,  
But a truth I live with as I carry on through your wisdom.  
Sam, my human, my love, my partner, love is empty, you make it full."

As the last word was uttered, I could feel Sam fall apart. The tears he had forced away broke into a sob while I wrapped him into my arms. I had to avoid apologizing knowing it isn't what he needs. 

I couldn't think as I tried to blink away my tears, it stung to see Sam cry, it was complete agony to be the cause of it. 

Sam turned himself to face me, straddling my lap, he was trying to calm himself down as he cupped my face. I couldn't ignore the quiver on his lips as he brought ours together. 

I melted into it just as I do any other time, but this one felt different as I tried to hold him close. It was as if neither wanted to let go of the other. I couldn't help but keep my hands on his face and let him control the kiss. 

He was chanting my name in between small breaks of our lips, the love he poured into his voice and kiss was more than overwhelming. I felt like I was drowning before, I knew I was now. 

When Sam pulled away he gave me a sad smile as he wiped away my tears. He was still trembling. 

"I can't- I can't tell begin you how I feel..." He was biting the inside of his mouth to avoid crying, even more, making more tears flow out onto my face. 

"I- I love you, it hurts- it physically hurts how much I love you." He said and tore his eyes away as he tried to get his feelings in order, I reached for his hands and cradled them. 

"You force me to see things I don't like to see, such as me being "worthy." You- you make me happy in ways no one else can, and I feel like loving you is such a privilege." The honesty in his eyes was powerful, I wanted to assure him that I felt the same way. I didn't say anything, I could see it in his eyes he already knew. 

"I wish I could write my feelings or be more articulate as I say this, but Cas I can't. It's difficult to say you mean everything to me. That I fell for you and I'm more scared of losing you than I am of anything else." The tremble in his voice was still present, it was a small mercy that it wasn't as present as when he began. 

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do when eventually we're pulled away from each other. How do you or me even begin to cope with that? I know you love me, and I wish you didn't. I wish you didn't care because it forces me to care. Because I see that when I'm hurt you suffer more than I do." This guilt he carries is conflicting in the sense I know he shouldn't have it, but it keeps him stable. While I want to take it away, I'm afraid of what would happen. 

He pulled his hands out of mine to hold mine. He held them close to him as he cried, "I- I try for you- I really do Cas. I hope you see that I'm taking care of myself, I'm trying to see myself in the way you see me." 

"I know, Sam. I know." It almost stayed stuck in my throat but I had to force it out. He had to know. 

"And I know you've been trying for me." I didn't mean to freeze but I hadn't expected him to notice. I had hoped it would stay in the shadows and would remain unspoken, but it wasn't. 

Sam got up and pulled me to my feet, he guided us to a couch where it'd be more accommodating to his height. I laid down first and Sam followed, I wrapped my arms around his waist and he held onto my hands. 

Sam leaned into my touch and I could tell by his heartbeat that he was relaxed enough to fall asleep. 

"Can we just stay like this? In silence?"

"Yes, of course, love." 

**Author's Note:**

> If there are any mistakes, please let me know. I will admit I only got a couple of hours of sleep so mistakes are more likely to slip through today. Or any criticism/feedback you want to give, please share your thoughts.


End file.
